How to Change Your Attachment Style for Lasting Love

6 min readJul 13, 2024

Are you ready to transform your relationships and find deeper, more fulfilling connections? Discover how understanding and changing your attachment style can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re dealing with a rocky romance or just curious about how attachment styles shape our interactions, you’re in the right place! Let’s dive into the fascinating world of attachment theory and explore practical strategies for personal growth.

What Is Attachment and Attachment Styles? Understanding the Foundation of Your Relationships

Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and their caregiver, and it’s a powerful force that shapes our ability to form secure and fulfilling relationships throughout our lives. This early bond influences our ability to form stable and meaningful relationships. But don’t worry if you’re feeling confused — Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships, and improving the connections you currently have.

What You’ll Learn:

What Attachment Styles Are: We’ll dissect the different attachment styles and how they play out in your day to day life. This will offer explanations of why you do what you do in relationships.
How to Identify Your Own Attachment Style: Learn how to recognize your attachment patterns and how they might be impacting your connections.
Practical Tips for Changing Your Attachment Style: Equip yourself with actionable steps to foster healthier relationships.
Why It Matters: See how changing your attachment style can have a profound impact on your relationship satisfaction and the stability of your connections.

The 4 Types of Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships

Attachment theory identifies four main attachment styles that influence how we relate to others. Understanding these can help you identify your own style and take steps towards positive change.

1. Secure Attachment Style: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and have a balanced approach to relationships. Because of this, they are able to trust their partners and manage conflicts effectively. If you have a secure attachment style, you likely:

Embrace Closeness: You’re comfortable being close to your partner and expressing your feelings.
Handle Conflicts Maturely: You resolve disagreements through open communication and compromise.
Feel Confident in Relationships: You don’t worry excessively about your partner’s feelings or intentions.

How to Maintain Your Secure Attachment:

Communicate Openly: Keep the lines of communication open and honest.
Practice Empathy: Show understanding and compassion towards your partner’s feelings and needs.
Work on Self-Growth: Continue to invest in your own personal development and self-care through activities that keep you feeling happy and fulfilled.

2. Anxious Attachment Style: Seeking Reassurance and Overcoming Insecurity

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself preoccupied with your partner’s behavior and seeking constant reassurance, worried they’re one step away from leaving you. Characteristics include:

Fear of Abandonment: You worry that your partner might leave you.
Need for Reassurance: You often seek affirmation and validation from your partner.
Emotional Highs and Lows: Your mood can be influenced by your partner’s actions or inactions.

How to Change Your Anxious Attachment:

Build Self-Esteem: Work on recognizing, celebrating, and valuing your self-worth.
Learn to Self-Soothe: Develop healthy coping mechanisms to calm your anxiety without needing to rely on your partner.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Focus on your own needs and practice being assertive in a way that strengthens your relationships.

3. Avoidant Attachment Style: Balancing Independence and Intimacy

Those with an avoidant attachment style often find intimacy suffocating or smothering, and prioritize their own space and independence over anything else. They might:

Value Independence: You might prioritize your personal space and self-sufficiency.
Avoid Closeness: You may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness or commitment.
Dismiss Emotional Needs: You might downplay the importance of emotions in relationships.

How to Shift Your Avoidant Attachment:

Explore Your Emotions: Learn to acknowledge and express your feelings in a healthy way.
Practice Vulnerability: Take small steps towards opening up to your partner by sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Embrace Commitment: Reframe your thinking on commitment. Work on accepting and embracing the idea of long-term relationships to view it as a choice to build something beautiful and lasting with someone special.

4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: Navigating Trust and Closeness

The fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment style, combines the desire for closeness with a fear of it. If you have this style, you might experience:

Fear Rejection: You’re scared of being rejected, hurt or abandoned.
Conflicted Feelings: You’re in a confusing inner battle where you want a close relationship but also fear intimacy, pushing your partner away the moment things get real.
Distrust Partners: You may struggle to trust others and keep them at arm’s length.

How to Transform Your Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:

Professional help: A specialist or professional can guide you through your fears and develop healthy trust in others.
Practice Gradual Intimacy: Forget the all-or-nothing approach to intimacy. Start with small acts of closeness and build up from there.
Address Your Fears: Identify and work through the root causes of your trust issues.

How to Change Your Attachment Style: Practical Steps for Personal Growth

Changing your attachment style is a journey that requires self-awareness, effort, and often professional support. Here are some actionable steps you can take to move towards a more secure attachment style:

1. Seek Professional Guidance

Changing your attachment style is a powerful form of self-discovery. In fact, it requires self-awareness, effort, and often the guidance of a supportive expert.

Therefore, consider partnering with an expert who can guide you through the process of understanding and changing your attachment style. This professional or specialist can equip you with powerful tools and strategies to address your past experiences and root causes, walk with you through your attachment challenges, and help you build healthier connections in your relationships.

Find a Therapist: Look for a professional with experience in attachment theory and relationship counseling.
Consider Attachment-Based Therapy: Approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) are specifically designed to address attachment issues.

2. Educate Yourself on Attachment Theory and Attachment Styles

The more you know about attachment theory, the better equipped you’ll be to make changes. Here are some resources to get you started:

Books:

“Slaying Your Fear” which offers you the tools and perspectives to seize control of your life, and ﬁnally slay the monster of destructive insecurity.

“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Online Courses:

The Attachment Bootcamp course and the How to Love an Avoidant Man course.

You can also look for courses on platforms like Coursera or Udemy that focus on attachment theory and relationship skills.

3. Build Secure Relationships

Surround yourself with people who exhibit a secure attachment style. Relationships with secure individuals can help you develop healthier attachment patterns.

Seek Out Supportive Friends: Build relationships with friends who are empathetic and supportive.
Date Secure Individuals: Look for partners who have a secure attachment style, as this can help you grow.

4. Focus on Self-Growth

Personal development is crucial in changing your attachment style. Here’s what you can do:

Raise Your Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that build your confidence and self-worth.
Learn Assertiveness: Practice expressing your needs and feelings in a direct and respectful manner.
Develop Emotional Regulation Skills: Learn to manage your emotions without relying on others for validation.

Conclusion: Embrace the Journey of Changing Your Attachment Style

Changing your attachment style is a transformative process that can lead to more fulfilling and successful relationships. Hence, by understanding your current attachment patterns and taking steps to develop a more secure style, you can create healthier connections and experience deeper emotional satisfaction.

Remember: The journey to changing your attachment style requires patience, effort, and often the support of a professional. Embrace this opportunity for personal growth, and you’ll find that the relationships in your life become more rewarding and meaningful. Join my exclusive Attachment Immersion Retreat this October for a deep dive into attachment theory, packed with practical tools and strategies to help you create the love life you deserve. Start today and see how changing your attachment style can lead to a more fulfilling, meaningful life.

For more insights into attachment theory and relationship dynamics, don’t forget to check out my latest videos and explore additional resources!